What are your shadows?
As we explore humans, we find every one of us possesses a darker side. We might not be a Darth Vader, but every charming and wonderful part of us, has a flip side that is difficult for ourselves and others.
And then there are parts of us that are just raw, earthy and hurtful and haven’t yet a brighter side.
Said Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, “Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either-but right through every human heart-and through all human hearts.”
Foundation for Economic Education, “Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s Forgotten Lesson on Good and Evil: There are neither good people nor bad people, but individuals struggling between good and evil from within”
A few years ago, some of those darker sides were disclosed to me by someone close and cherished to me, through a conflict. Because I was so dependent on the opinions of others, it took me a year of exploring these attributes, waffling between defining myself by the stark words chosen, and allowing myself to feel completely worthless and terrible, and hoping to find the described attributes to be completely unfounded. Because of the low state I was in, it was helpful to first figure out angles that I could be seen in these ways, that warped my essence because within certain angles and world views, an optical illusion was created of myself. I could also see these darker aspects in the namer when I began to search for them, as at times when we find ugliness in others, it is only a reflection of hidden dark shadows of our own. I misunderstood Solzhenitsyn’s important outlook, that both myself and the loved one, had good and evil running through us both in parallel.
But I did grow into this discovery of my own darkness. There was another element deep inside that I have innately: trust. I continually felt there must be true aspects of the hurtful words used to describe me that I needed to refine with in myself. Surely there was love transmitted from this loved one’s words that could benefit me. In the end, I found a mix of ways in which these words were an optical illusion of myself, and it was important that I not define myself by absolute darkness. I found ways in which components of these words were the darker side of a coin that had on its other side something valuable beautiful and important to my nature, and lastly I discovered parts and tendencies that were dark shadow territory of mine that showed up frequently or at times in my life. I had already begun to learn about Shadow work, with Heidi Stimpson, Next Level Health and Wellness. And now, it became a very pertinent quest, for the sake of soul peace, I needed to know the ugliest parts of me, so that I could greet those parts with courage, honesty and investigation and eventually transformation. We often know our problems but the darkest shadows lurk in our blind spots. So insight from others is very useful. These investigations have taken me deep into my past at times, and sometimes blindly seeking surface better manifestations.
I had many years ago, felt that as sensitive as I seek to be toward others, that I was somehow at times a bowling ball in a China shop.
Maybe, you are thinking, I thought that this blog was about play. This is hardly playful. Well, some of those darker sides of us keep playfulness at bay.
Ability to sleep well, is a grace that comes and goes for me at times in my life. And recently when I tried to sleep, some silly playful images came to my mind to help me to do some shadow work, where I could see the shadow, and bring some illumination to it.
Lets take the bowling ball aspect of myself. Determination shows up as deep rooted integrity, courage, tenacity, and stick to-it-edness, but on it’s shadow’s side can look like, “My way or the highway”, non-listening, bulldozer, pushy, spoiled, relentless, over-stepping and intense.
A bowling ball rolls toward others and with pure momentum, pins relent to the ball.
But this energy is quite awe inspiring if people view another’s life when a person is channeling their momentum at their self and not others. Watching as a human generates awesome life transformation, contribution and achievement in the course of their own days, can be inspiring. Their example is as a mighty majestic river. (Still, that person recognizing that even one’s self needs more than one speed.)
Now here in my head, further steering away from the bowling ball tendencies, a little more playfulness enters my imagination, and another image comes to mind. One in fact, that one of my aforementioned life coaches, Heidi Stimpson, from Next Level Health and Wellness, provided a few years back as an empowering symbol. When interacting with others, a meandering stream brings what I seek. It both yields to land, and assimilates bits and pieces into her course, as well as with much time, leaves her gentle shaping as she trickles a long. A beautiful natural blending of receiving and giving. Contributing and deriving.
And what of the rigidity that comes with determination What of flexibility? Which tree is the strongest, the one that bears down with so much grip that it never yields, but snaps in fiercest winds, or one that bends and gives with ferocity of inclement? See video. I personally struggle with that ability to bend and give and have difficulty in changing gears and transitioning quickly.
For example, I might get a playful idea, but assimilating the way a child might want to play is often out of reach. Or if a task needs to be done, and there is resistance, I don’t become the stream which seeks a compromise, bright ideas from the one I’m working with, or even a new approach or angle for myself. As you might predict, a cracking of the rigid board of myself, often results.
So in this sleepless state, I pictured gaining ‘give’ and ‘flexibility’. My own face morphed into the jump rope, and I was looking down at the child with a smile on my rubbery jump rope face.
As a jump rope, I could flow with their playfulness or schedule it to a time that I could meet that need to play and integrate their idea on how to do it. Recently watching a phenomenal parenting seminar by Happily Family, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart offered the idea for parents, that when a child won’t get off a video game, that you can watch with them and meet them where they are at, engaged and interested for five or ten minutes. Then you can help them transition to a new idea or schedule that you are interposing, such that you assist them in the transition and ‘jump-rope’ into their game, while teaching them to balance their lives and enter into or stick to their tasks.
Rejection sensitivity is an acute feature of the ADHD brain, wiring quickly to the protective rather than the solution integrative portion of the logical brain. Living with acute sensitivities for many years, it was when reading the symptoms of ADHD as I bumped into a symptom list, that I realized that I had most of the symptoms. After having it diagnosed, it doesn’t change the way others see me, I imagine it sounds like a silly excuse I am hiding behind to remain immature, emotionally under developed, etc.
But it is helpful for understanding myself, and I continue to learn how to parent, and train myself and children, with these unique set of anomalies. For example, after listening to Dr. Joseph Lee’s incredible interview with Happily Family, 4 Ways to Help Kids with ADHD Succeed in School and Life, I realized such things like that generating ideas is a super power of ADHD humans. I saw the massive amounts of creativity I have. I learned too from Dr. Joseph Lee, that as others generate ideas, building off those ideas is extra synergistic. In these circumstances, I am not trying to ‘bowling ball’ their ideas, but I am engaged in a collaborative social experience, which is my strength. It is my adulting job, to learn to not take it personally if I’m not seen and received as creative, but possibly controlling or dominating, or something else. I can choose to keep some of these thoughts and ideas unspoken, or parlay them with less gusto thanI might feel. I can appreciate boundaries for when that idea generating is being welcomed or not. I can appreciate the people who do recognize and welcome my gifts and receive them whole heartedly and accept the interpretations people may have as their God given right, without taking it personally. If I emotionally respond to perceived rejections, that can feel very immature and manipulative to others, so I can learn again not to take it personally, and choose to channel my creativity elsewhere.
From the Happily Family conference, I saw that I can recognize and appreciate my strengths, I can have compassion on my many limitations and slowly work on all these trouble spots.
Another therapeutic image came to my sleepless repose. When I feel apposed, not received, not listened to, or perceived hurt words come flying my way, until I have time to process them and more accurately view the situation, I can see wind blowing these hurts away such that they don’t settle into my heart and trigger my defensive responses. That which feels like hurt in the moment can’t conglomerate with other hurts down deep and I defend myself as an opponent rather than a team player and trusted guide.
And with this concept, if some wind gusted up ‘weapons’ unexpectedly, I could pull out harmless protective shields rather than metaphoric swords and bounce away any potential pain so that the victim hungry fertilizer within me has no reason for massive taproots to jut down and flourish in, wreaking havoc to relationships.
I have a story I love to refer to, about a group of murderous men. These men experienced a breathtaking shift of paradigm such that their alarm systems didn’t register to ‘attack’, ‘revenge’, ‘defend’, ‘justify.’ They in-fact now, deplored every such mechanisms. This was transition was so deep and so transformative, that once they buried their weapons physically deep in the earth as a token of this shift, they could not be prevailed upon to embrace their past violence in any way, shape or form. They would die knees to the earth rather than rush in and protect. They named themselves a strange name, the Anti-Nephi-Lehis. Their story is here. It is my brightest hope that we too, are able to metaphorically bury our weapons of war, in particular, it is my hope that I am able to.
In shadow work, my experience has been that the weapons of our darkness, dissolve as they are brought into the realm of seeing them, accepting them, loving my whole person as a person of dark and light, and nourishing the wounds that incline me to respond in darkness. These provide molten warmth that dissolves by degree weapons into useful tools that I can choose to employ. I think this scripture is accurate to the slow and steady transformation I am proceeding in, am seeking.
He will judge between the nations
Isaiah 2:4, New International Version
and will settle disputes for many peoples.
They will beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will not take up sword against nation,
nor will they train for war anymore.
Aware of what lies underneath, I believe we begin to choose what seeps out of us, and by degree the stenches can actually change their smell.
It is a process. One that needs heightened honesty, attention, patience, study and learning, and help from others.
It has been my experience that with the darkness we each have, and with it the armory of weapons we possess, we CAN, through discovery and self awareness, learn, imagine, practice, rehearse, write and journal, cry in prayer, purge in tears with sweat and wrestle, track, and receive coaching and helpful feedback. Best yet we can receive the GRACE to be amply found in this virtuous cycle. An incredible powerful term I first learned about here. Especially does this GRACE descend in our readiness, through One Who Best Loves and Understands, Who Amply Sources with Enabling Transformative Light.
Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.
John 8:12
