I told my littlest, my secret first
There were a few little things that made me suspect I was pregnant. Of course, I was very surprised, I thought it was no longer possible!
With excitement, I told my husband. He didn’t think it possible either, but a very dark pink line revealed my suspicions to be true.
Being ‘stricken with age’, I waited to reveal the news till after the time for miscarriage had passed. But my youngest, I told, because I figured he would need the most preparation. We had some very tiny watermelon in our garden currently, and I told him there was a baby growing in my tummy that was very tiny, like that tiny watermelon. But that baby would grow big just like our watermelons would grow big.
Honestly, I thought this was going right over his head, but the analogy was one he could really understand, especially as our watermelon did get bigger, and the day came when he pointed to my tummy and referred to the baby growing in there, that I knew he did understand more than I thought.
Embarrassed, Overwhelmed, etc!!
I found that I felt extremely private about this pregnancy, and it turned out that after my initial joy that I could be blessed in such a way, even into my old age, I subsequently felt a great deal of reluctance, fear, embarrassment, emotional fatigue and overwhelm.
When I did announce the pregnancy, I found that family and friends were very supportive. The ultrasound revealed another booming bouncing boy. It was sweet in the ultra sound I had early on just to make sure all was safe, me being older, and sweet at our family’s reveal, eating our favorite icecream at the park. (We chose two great flavors, but I knowing it was a boy, chose the one everyone would want a touch more, to designate boy).
But wrapping my mind around a pregnancy with all its ramifications, was truthfully overwhelming knowing that I would have no other little girls again, and a crazier gang yet, it played out that the former feelings, despite the support, persisted until soon I was in a depression as I grappled with the losses I was currently experiencing.
I found myself in a Depression
My son left for an lds mission after being home only 9 days from basic training and we missed him for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had only imagined this could be a joyful release of him with gratitude as he embarked on a milestone and journey that we had all hoped for with all our hearts. I did not anticipate such an almost death- like feeling of loss. I made a memory book for my graduated daughter for Christmas and I realized I hadn’t ever yet cried about her darling childhood being over, and it hit home hard that my senior daughter was graduating and I had no more sweet daughters to bring daily joy and support in what would now be a home saturated with testosterone. Those photos were so sweet with girls and boys and now, no darling girls would be a part of most of our memories. I grappled with thoughts that became re-occurring about my capabilities and about my worth.
I had prayed to be prepared for the future trials ahead, and so this depression was a surprise to me. I found myself emerging out of it through a series of steps.
The Steps out of the Depression
Adding a spiritual practice back in that I had left off with for the holidays made a difference, paying more attention and astuteness to nutrition and exercise and using an essential oil that purports to help restore spiritual connection with God, (frankincense) Using my creativity to create a joyful memory at a vacation cabin, a friend contacting me when I knew God must have helped her know to reach out because she was my previous life coach and I could know I needed to employ what she taught me, and two very touching and thoughtful surprises left on my porch at different times, including a very personal letter were certainly out of someone’s way to distinctly let me know I was noticed and loved.
I have a testimony that when we have frank discussions with God, but don’t turn from Him even if we are painfully candid, leads to His masterful comfort and healing words to come to our heart. With many tears during my weekly 45 minutes Xi Gong with Jamie, Releasing Trauma and Fear, sessions, I told God the ways that I felt he was tricking me, and hedging up the way toward me obeying the difficult things I knew he was prompting me. A few days later, my son randomly asked if he could read me the father’s day talk he had prepared and given for our local congregation, when invited to do so. What to expect from an lds sacrament service. I said, “Sure.” His talk turned out to be a very tailored answer from God. I realized I was accepting the feminine side of God that nourishes, replenishes and opens opportunities, but not the masculine side of Him that lets us stretch and endure disappointment. This side of God was just as loving and important for my whole-person growth.
Removing fear each week with Jamie’s Xi Gong was also lending healing by degrees of my depression. I would begin doing the movements, not knowing what would release but intentionally being astute to what would, and as Jamie leads, replacing the fear with something brave, true, and in embryo inside of me to grow in that fear’s place.
God reaches us in so many ways and there are so many speakers that He has on-line working hard to impart the messages in their heart. For me, this program penetrated the last layer of my tearful depression. Hearing two special women discuss an lds general conference talk from the program Inklings, that described how I currently felt distance instead of closeness with God, but letting me know that through the fog of clouds, He was still there and loving me was very pivotal in removing my last layer of depression. Podcast Program by Emily Belle Freeman, God’s Favorite.
And then finally receiving in the middle of the night a beautiful answer to a simple question I had been repeatedly asking God, came undoubtedly to my heart, and Old Em was back to her native disposition of joy, hope, creating memory with creativity and facing life with determination!!! I had wanted to know if a Christmas present I had made that took a lot of time and heart, if He was proud of and approved of my work, as I had felt the idea for the gift, was an answer from Him as I prayed what I should give this year. So sweetly and full-heartedly did I know He treasured and approved of my efforts in this gift, that I knew all along while asking, that the clouds were removed enough that I could hear His answer, and I will say that this time I asked with all of my heart and then some, and that always helps for an answer to be very clear.
I found myself on my feet again, the tears, discouragement ocd replays of a couple of difficult conversations and my interpretations over them being influenced from past feelings and hurts, as well as overwhelm, and mourning of losses, were over, and I was also now completely shedding an ill coined phrase in my head, and with the tools of prayer and meditation, replacing it with truth. I continued to release fears through mindful meditative and physical exercise practices, (see xi gong with Jamie link above), and adding back into my life reading and studying for the pursuit of meaningful understanding and knowledge to connect with my spiritual study, as well as learning for intrigue and interest which I had for some time, been skipping under the guise of being too busy.
The word “Welcoming”
One word that I kept noticing, as I studied God’s words in LDS general conference talks, was the word “welcome” and the idea of helping others feel welcome. For example, “Welcome to the Church of Joy” or “Ye are my Friends”.
It is not till I type this blog post, that I realize that this word I was noticing, was most likely directing me to experience welcoming feelings over having a little one, welcoming him into our home. Once the depression lifted, my thoughts were geared toward giving more in my co-op, and housekeeping type of nesting to prepare food and home for the logistics of having a baby. I knew the Lord wanted to me to have more joy in being uniquely and healthily pregnant at a ripe ripe age, but I think I became just purposefully busy and grateful to be done with the heavy sadness, as well as accomplished in the preparations.
It was three lovely women whom I don’t know, that connected me to this tiny growing babe inside of me, that brought me tears of love and connection. I realized like the freezer I had cleaned out and found foods besides of which had to be thrown away, perfectly preserved foods. My love for baby was there, but all the fears like ice surrounded it.
The power of a woman’s influence
These three women and their workouts, an Indian woman, Black American, Hispanic American, and Islander American who gave me a beautiful healing Reiki session at imassage, brought WELCOME to my heart and loving connection floating from mama womb to baby heart, because I could feel their deep abiding love and anticipation for their own babies. The first three, were welcoming their little ones with dance, soul, thought, intention, words, and movement, which were their own prayers. A reiki session with Tani from imassage, is a very spiritual experience.
Circles of Women Surrounding me, brings me the Welcoming that Sticks
I was so blessed to have two women offer me a baby shower and a blessingway. I was so awed and touched by the gifts of time, lovingly prepared food and games, lovingly prepared spiritual and physical ministering and gifts, that honored the “tiny king” in me, (beautiful song) (or had it been a tiny queen)* and celebrated that life, and surrounded me with support, that gave me the lasting WELCOME feeling I’ve been seeking. These women love babies, they love mothers, they love the symbiotic relationship between the two; and they gave with deep abiding love that supports human flourishing and growth, that women dedicate mind, body, and soul to.
*(Our Father shares all that He hath for those who seek His kingdom, making the inheritor’s who seek His path, kings and queens also.)
Diaper Baby Shower hosted by Joni S.
Blessing way from another friend
They have empowered me deeply.
A friend from the first group pictured in the Diaper Shower, her words as I pondered and re-read them, caused a deep release and belief switch in me that caused tears and deep laughter at the same time!!
“You are so powerful! Having a baby this late in motherhood may not have been your plan…but it is allowing you to step in YOUR power. Releasing fear patterns and old ways of thinking is going to give you the most powerful birth ever! I am so proud of you, friend.” Dawn S.
A few days after I had received both baby celebrations and welcomings, I was listening to this song, The Friendly Beasts.
It played while my fourth child was born. I realized, each woman brought her gift, as the lamb, cow, donkey and dove do, in this song for our Savior. It reads, “In as much as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.” Matthew 25:40 I was so touched that these women’s gifts were as sacred an offering and went to our Lord and King as much as they did to me.
Listening to this song on my birthing list, I feel so much love from the humble beautiful heart felt gifts of love, and I am so excited to say, I am no longer afraid, at all. The WELCOME is sticking and I am ready to labor and then nurse and heal so weak and vulnerable, then change diapers and simplify my life for a while, and then raise a human while I raise the 7 others still in my home.